The Bali Blog « Ubud for the Uninitiated: The Land of Self-Healing and Snake Oil
Man-buns, clown pants, Hipster beards, Buddha tattoos and yogini camel-toes flood the downtown Ubud scene.
Not enlightened yet?
You should be.
Shake out those kundalini awakenings with some HoopYogini™ and Bhakti Boogie ® at the Yoga Barn. Celebrate 'The Divine Feminine' with a splash of Shakti Dance. Puff up your lungs in a 'Sacred Breathwork Immersion Workshop', insert a Jade Egg at The Womb Temple in Alchemy for good measure and polish it off with some tantalising 'Manifesting and Abundance'.
Feeling horny in a yogic sort of way? 'Sensual/Sexual Playday (Conscious Pleasure With Consent)' is definitely your bag, run by a nice foreign gentleman with...
'... 18 years of experience in spirituality, shamanism, energy medicine, relationship coaching and sacred sexual bodywork.
Matthias Schwentek, your Keeper of The Sacred Space, walks the world sharing his passion and supporting the resurgence of this sacred
and ancient temple art upon the planet through workshops, retreats, public talks and sexual embodiment sessions.' *
* ($25 for four hours).
Oh, an orgy! I'm there! Oh no. My period ('Moon Blood') just came. Maybe I'll steer clear for a few days.
But... wait! Perfect timing for a Red Moon Wavespell Session!
'We begin the light reprieve of the Monkey Wavespell after the intensity of the Serpent and Mirror Wavespells...'
I see. Let me just wash out my Moon Cup. Go on?
'The realisation of pure consciousness comes with a willingness to explore all that had been throughout the cycles of evolution, stretching back beyond the presently known, with openness to awakening consciousness...
Oh, I get it now. And how exactly does that work?
'Pure consciousness flows into manifestation through the capacity to kinnect clearly with all beings... Many worlds are bridged in the flow of pure kin-nection, perfecting in the reflection of truth, the pure brilliance of all...'
I'm with you. And then?
'You will be gifted with MAGNETIC Attraction, LUNAR Stabilisation, ELECTRIC Activation, SELF-EXISTING Definition with OVERTONE-Empowering, RHYTHMIC-Balancing, RESONANT-Inspiring, GALACTIC-Integrating, SOLAR-Realising, PLANETARY-Manifesting, SPECTRAL-Releasing, CRYSTAL Co-operating COSMIC Transcendance.'
On second thoughts, I'm still too hurt from my previous incarnations. I think I need to go on a retreat first and 'Heal And Reveal The Woman Within'.
'Deep in the rainforest jungle paradise of Ubud, Bali...'
That would be just off Ubud High Street – Jalan Raya Ubud – right?
'... you will work with the modalities of Awakened Human Dynamics and Metaphysical Anatomy. When you shift your Ancestral Patterns - at the cellular level, and beyond that at the level of your DNA - you will find yourself on a POWERFUL and FEMININE path to creating the life of your greatest dreams. What makes this healing workshop so unique is that the changes and transformation that take place are so deep and profound that you can never be the same again!'
Yeah, when I'm paying $2,000 for five days and following it up with a $300-an-hour Skype call. I'd call that pretty life-changing.
You know, I think I'll just be my own Guru. I put together a manifesto after breakfast this morning. What do you think?
'Who are we?
Where on the great vision quest will we be recreated? We must beckon ourselves and beckon others. The quantum shift of being is now happening worldwide. We must learn how to lead unlimited lives in the face of discontinuity. Eons from now, we seekers will self-actualize like never before as we are aligned by the quantum shift.
We are being called to explore the stratosphere itself as an interface between wisdom and rebirth. Soon there will be an evolving of karma the likes of which the nexus has never seen.' *
* ($4,000 per day.)
Love And Blessings™ to all.
What do you reckon? The only problem is that a New Age Bullshit Generator made this up.
I wonder if I can copyright it? I'm going to talk to my lawyer.
Hot off the press from Facebook's Ubud Community
Now, just in case you think I'm making the next bit up, take a gander at a recent advert on Facebook's Ubud Community. I reckon even the bullshit generator would blow a motherboard trying to invent this bollocks.
Twin Flame Pre-Solstice Energy Report
We come through in this hour of your time from the unified field of consciousness that is the zero point.
We come, sent forth on wings of great great love to deliver a message to those who have been blessed with the ears to hear and who are gifted with the empathic capabilities to receive these words as activation codes, awakening the pineal Centre, the pituitary gland, and the higher heart consciousness.
Indeed these words have been intended to entrench you auric field with the deep soul knowing that resonates from your own inner beingness.
We come to speak to you today regarding certain energetics that are taking place within the timelines of a great number of illumined twin flames at this pivotal point in Earth's ascension.
Beloveds, take comfort from this reminder that this has never been about you and your ego's desire for a relationship. Twin flames are finely tuned servants of the master plan and we affirm to you tonight with perspicacious knowing that indeed this intention for joy-filled twin-flame unions was decreed by God aeons ago, and you all agreed to be instruments to activate and actualise this divine plan.
The cost of this profoundly deep-soul infusion is $300.
I think I'll just go for a power nap instead...
Namaste, Conscious Ones.
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