Life, News, Photography and Reviews from Ubud: The Apple of Bali's Eye

The Ubud Handbook « Eat, Pray, Self-Love

I'M SITTING IN Ubud's Black Beach Italian restaurant on Jalan Hanuman waiting for my spaghetti bolognese. A tattooed Australian woman in her thirties – all swinging-tits-in-the-salad and no bra – picks the table in front of me. Her obedient female friend, all frumpy and over-forty and painfully low on self-esteem, takes the opposite chair.

The Tattooed Lady kicks off with a beer.

– "Ye naee, Oi tole yew she was sach a princess. A fackin' princess. She cams ap to moy man in a fackin' miniskirt at the bahbeque an' staats pawin' at eem. Loike she wants the fackin' stayke off ees playte..."

And it doesn't get any better.

My spaghetti arrives. Her ciabatta salmon sandwiches come too – her obedient friend has ordered exactly the same. Every time her friend opens her mouth, the Tattooed One shuts it with a "Naaee, bat..." and carries on with her withering, cucumber-spitting diatribe.

My concentration's shot to pieces. The spaghetti keeps falling off my fork. She's on her third large beer now. She starts saying "facking" even more and speaking so loudly that people passing on the street have begun to look her way, and she's spitting bits of ciabatta bread and tomato and fish into her friend's dinner.

– "En ye naee wot?"

Her friend just cowers and blinks behind her beer glass.

– "En thet's when Oi realoised. Thet's when Oi realoised Oi had a fackin' crash on meself."

I blow beer through my nose.

– "Yee. Oi jas' fackin' fell in lav wi' meself. Thet's when Oi noo Oi didn' need iny fackin' boyfriend. Or fackin' inybody."

The friend drops her head another ego-mashed inch and pokes at her last fish sandwich. It's at this point that I start to wonder if they have genetic counselling on The Gold Coast.

But to be honest, I'd begun to enjoy the show. There's nothing funnier than a bogan on Bali.


The Ubud Handbook

The Ubud Handbook

THE UBUD HANDBOOK ~ Your guide to living in Ubud and Bali in an online nutshell.

Excerpts


Culture Bites

An American Calonarang

Cinema Paradiso

Ubud 'Art Attack

Reading Matters

Dinosaur Talk


Getting Around

It's Silly Season Again

The Other Side of the Coin

Surviving Bali on a 'Bike

A Walk in the Park


Personal Stories

Diary of a Market Girl

A Trip to Deer Island


Tourism & Self-Enrichment

Eat, Pray, Self-Love

The Land of Self-Healing and Snake Oil

The Eternal Wash Cycle

Odd Man Out

A Dutchman Goes to a Gypsy Fortune-Teller

From Ubud With Love


Hints & Tips

Let's Get Wet: The Rainy Season on Bali

A Lot of Hot Air

No Butt-Cheeks Please, We're Balinese

It Wasn't Me, Guv... Crime and Punishment on Bali

In Sickness and in Death

Soul Feet

Photographing Bali

The King of Stink

Dengue Fever Roolz

Things that Bite and Sting: The Insect Kingdom vs. You

Snakes Alive!

Once Bitten Twice Shy: Dogs on Bali

Monkey Talk


Holidays from the Jungle

The Heads of Trunyan

A Beggar's Banquet

The White Herons of Petulu

A Line in the Sand